Not One More Thing

Sitting in my home office, hurrying to check things off my to-do list before the kids scream in the door after school, the phone rang.

“Hi, this is Eric’s mom,” the cheery voice said on the other end of the line. “Eric was wondering if Grant would like to join his LEGO robotics team? They’ve discussed it in school and apparently Grant is really excited about it….”

“I’m sorry. What is this exactly?” I asked, completely confused. As usual, Grant hadn’t informed me about this new activity.

“The kids build robots together…we meet for an hour a week at my house…blah blah blah…,” she explained.

As she talked I thought about the logistics of adding this to my schedule. So, every Tuesday Grant will get home, quickly do homework, I’ll race him over to the robotics team thing, then we’ll race back home put on his soccer gear and drive over to indoor soccer training. I'll get home just after 5:00 pm, throw something on the table for dinner and race back to pick him up from soccer practice.

And that didn’t account for anything going on with my two daughters, myself or my husband. And that’s just Tuesday. The other six days of the week are equally ridiculous.

Shaking my head and in a voice more forceful than I meant it to be, I said, “No. I can’t do it. I can’t do one more thing.”

“Well, it wouldn’t take up a lot of time. It’s just an hour…” she continued.

“No,” I reiterated. “I’m sorry. I just can’t. My schedule is crazy. Grant's got winter soccer. Amanda's got field hockey. If I commit to one more thing I think I might have a breakdown.”

“Oh,” she said, pausing before adding. “Eric was really looking forward to having Grant on the team.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I just can’t.”

Hanging up the phone I placed my head in my hands and rested for a minute. To-do list items careened around my brain—social commitments, kid activities, work deadlines. I could feel my heart racing, my breathing becoming faster and more shallow.

Adding to my already elevated stress level is the holiday season. With shopping, shipping, wrapping and entertaining added to my already packed schedule, this girl is ready for the psych ward—for its soothing white décor, hushed voices, padded walls and the mildly restrictive white jacket. If I could request a straight jacket in black (black’s more slimming, you know) I think I’d admit myself.

Since I really don’t have time for a nervous breakdown, I did the next best thing.

Breathe. Just breathe.

One of the basic tenets of the In8 program is to incorporate meditation into your everyday life. While I struggle to find the time for a full 20-30 minute daily session, I have found that taking time to breathe deeply gives me a sense of calm.

I’ve posted about Dr. Andrew Weil’s relaxation breathing technique before, but I think it bears repeating. This takes five minutes. FIVE MINUTES! I do it in the car at a stop light, sitting at my desk, even waiting in line at the grocery store. It's fabulous.

Here it is:

The 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise

Sit with your back straight while learning the exercise. Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge of tissue just behind your upper front teeth, and keep it there through the entire exercise. You will be exhaling through your mouth around your tongue; try pursing your lips slightly if this seems awkward.

·      Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.

·      Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four.

·      Hold your breath for a count of seven.

·      Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight.

·      This is one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.

As you venture out to join the mall crowds or try to tackle that neverending to-do list, take a few minutes and just breathe. It’ll calm your nerves, lower your heart rate and help you accomplish those commitments in a calmer, more relaxed manner.

Just Breathe

Earthquakes, hurricanes and a potential nuclear crisis. Who knew Richmond, Virginia was a magnet for natural disasters?

Last week we had a 5.8 magnitude earthquake shake the house and more disturbingly, shut down the Lake Anna nuclear power facility. Only 10 miles from the earthquake’s epicenter, (and only 40 miles from my house) the facility is still offline as officials check for damage. That was last Tuesday. On Saturday, hurricane Irene blew through town, blowing debris all over the city, knocking down trees and leaving thousands of Richmonders without power.

What’s a neurotic mother of three, located in the shadow of a potentially disabled nuclear power plant to do?

Now is a great time to call upon one of the tenets of the In8 lifestyle change program— stress relief.

The program emphasizes the benefits of meditation—and there are many—but for me, it’s impossible to sit quietly in a room. My thoughts are too numerous. They race around my head like the ever-changing news ticker at the bottom of the TV screen on CNN. My personal news ticker screams, “Dow plummets, Stiles family loses entire 401k.”  “School starts Tuesday. Get supplies.” “You really shouldn’t have eaten that muffin.” “Call your sister.” “Call your mother.” "Lose weight." "Workout more." 

And so on, and so on.

Always on the lookout for a stress relieving alternative, I found something I can actually do. Deep breathing. 

According to Nancy Zi, a Glendale, California-based breathing expert and author of the book and video set, The Art of Breathing, “Breathing incorrectly can produce tension, exhaustion and vocal strain, interfere with athletic activity and encourage aches and illnesses.” While breathing correctly can “melt away tension and stress, improve energy or simply relax and unwind.”

Dr. Andrew Weil, the famed alternative health care doctor, recommends the following deep breathing technique for
 stress relief and relaxation.

The 4-7-8 Exercise

Sit with your back straight while learning the exercise. Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge of tissue just behind your upper front teeth, and keep it there through the entire exercise. You will be exhaling through your mouth around your tongue; try pursing your lips slightly if this seems awkward.

·      Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.

·      Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four.

·      Hold your breath for a count of seven.

·      Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight.

·      This is one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.

Note that you always inhale quietly through your nose and exhale audibly through your mouth. The tip of your tongue stays in position the whole time. Exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation. The absolute time you spend on each phase is not important; the ratio of 4:7:8 is important. If you have trouble holding your breath, speed the exercise up but keep to the ratio of 4:7:8 for the three phases. With practice you can slow it all down and get used to inhaling and exhaling more and more deeply.

This exercise is a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system. Unlike tranquilizing drugs, which are often effective when you first take them but then lose their power over time, this exercise is subtle when you first try it but gains in power with repetition and practice. Do it at least twice a day. You cannot do it too frequently. Do not do more than four breaths at one time for the first month of practice. Later, if you wish, you can extend it to eight breaths. If you feel a little lightheaded when you first breathe this way, do not be concerned; it will pass.

I think this might be the best stress relief activity EVER since it allows me to multitask. I can keep myself alive by breathing and calm my mind at the same time. Awesome.

Now if I could also check email simultaneously I think I’d really be on to something.

The Tonic of the Wilderness

Last week I wrote about ways to relieve stress. In my research on the topic one element I didn’t find but should definitely be included is the balm of nature.

This week, on spring break with my family, we ventured to Great Smoky Mountains National Park. With no iPods, iPhones and i-Whatevers to distract us, we immersed ourselves in the forest. Our LED-illuminated world was replaced with wildflowers, hemlock and spruce trees and mountain vistas. During a three-mile hike to Grotto Falls we crossed four streams, marveled at the beauty of nature and chatted amicably about whatever popped into our minds. Sometimes we simply enjoyed the silence.

Walking hand-in-hand with my eight-year-old daughter Janelle, she said, “There’s something really peaceful about nature Mommy.”

I couldn’t agree more.

I’m not alone in thinking that green space is calming. For centuries conservationists like John Muir (founder of the Sierra Club), Theodore Roosevelt and Henry David Thoreau have understood the importance of nature and worked to protect it.

Sadly as we’ve progressed as a society we’ve distanced ourselves from nature preferring to spend time indoors.

In 2005 Richard Louv published an interesting book called, Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder. In it Louv draws attention to the fact that we’re raising a generation of children that are deprived of the enjoyment and benefits of playing outside; benefits such as reducing stress, the symptoms of ADHD and increasing creativity and cognitive skills. He contends that to raise physically and emotionally healthy children they need contact with nature.

While Louv's book is directed toward children, he readily admits that nature has the same power for adults.

The solution to gaining the benefits of nature is straightforward and you don’t need to hike the Appalachian Trail, traverse the Grand Canyon or travel to distant forests. Find a local park and take a stroll. Breathe in the air, feed the ducks and listen to the wind blow through the trees.

As John Muir said, “Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.”


I'll leave you with a couple of photos from our adventure. Maybe these will lure you outside...

Hiking Grotto Falls trail

The trail goes behind the falls making the 1.4 mile hike
to reach it well worth the effort.

The kids behind the falls

Grotto Falls, Smoky Mountain National Park

The essence of the Smoky Mountains--water racing
down the mountain sides toward lower elevations.
Streams like this one litter the landscape.
It's absolutely beautiful.

Don’t Freak Out! Tomorrow is National Stress Awareness Day

I’m a worrier.

I worry about my kids getting the right nutrition and succeeding in school; that sex offenders live close by; that one day my beloved dog Snickers will die and I don’t know how I’m going to survive it; that my oldest daughter is 13 and will be dating and driving soon (which scares the crap out of me).

I even worry that maybe I’m not worrying enough. For instance, my youngest child watches a lot of TV, especially on the weekends. And I let it happen. That’s a problem, right? I should be concerned that she’s glued to the tube for five hours watching an entire season of Wizards of Waverly Place. I should be bike riding with her, teaching her a foreign language, pushing her to plant a garden. We should do something productive, right? I should care more.

But I kinda don’t. Which is a problem, right?

All this stress, worry, anxiety, whatever you want to call it, ends up in my neck and shoulders. I know this because they are permanently located right next to my ears. Which is why countless medical professionals have repeatedly advised me to meditate. I hear them. I nod my head in agreement. And I promise myself that, “This time, I’m going to do it. I’m going to make it a part of my daily routine.” And yet, it never happens. Meditating is just not my thing.

So, in honor of National Stress Awareness Day (appropriately on April 16, the day after Tax Day), I went searching for other ways to relieve stress. Ways that I might actually adopt that don’t involve sitting quietly in a room gazing at nothingness and waiting for a transcendent moment of clarity.

Here’s what I found.

• Exercise: It really is the magic pill. And just about any form of physical activity can act as a stress reliever. Whether it’s gardening, house cleaning, jogging or kickboxing, just get your body moving to start releasing those feel good endorphins. For a more in-depth discussion of the amazingly strong connection between exercise and the brain, check out the book Spark by John J. Ratey, M.D. In his book Dr. Ratey discusses how exercise is our best defense against depression, ADD, menopause, Alzheimer’s, addiction and more.

• Socialize: Do you like to kvetch to a friend after a tough day? Go ahead, connecting to family and friends actually releases a hormone called oxytocin, an anti-anxiety compound. So pick up the phone or go for a coffee date. You really will feel better.

• Just say no! We are overcommitted, overscheduled and overworked. Enough already! We can’t do everything, so stop trying. Repeat after me, “I’d love to [chair the finance committee/run for president of the PTA/organize a fundraiser] but I can’t. Thank you so much for thinking of me though.” And then run. Fast.
• Keep a journal. Writing is a fantastic release for pent up emotions. Don’t worry about creating the next bestseller, just let the words pour out of you, misspellings and all.
• Pet the pooch. Dogs really are mans’ best friend. When you pet your dog your body releases serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin, all feel-good hormones. Your body also decreases the amount of stress hormones being released. Good hormones go up, bad ones come down. I knew I loved dogs for a reason.
• Breathe. Really breathe. Deep breathing sends oxygen through your bloodstream helping to calm your entire body. And if you can, take a whiff of lavender or rosemary, both of those scents are known to lower your levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. 

Health Journal Article

Dr. Bryan Lowry and I recently collaborated on an article for Health Journal magazine called "Relax: You're in Control." The article addresses the affects of chronic stress and the healing power of meditation. (you can find it here).

If you don't read the Health Journal you should check it out. It's got great advice, tips and information on a variety of health topics. Their website is http://www.thehealthjournals.com/ or you can pick up the print version. It's FREE! I've seen it at Martin's grocery store and American Family Fitness near their entrances with all the other free publications.

Destress Your Life, One Room at a Time

I awoke last Saturday morning with one clear, concise thought—today the Christmas decorations HAVE to come down!

Ordering my family around in a manner General George S. Patton would find intimidating, the ornaments were pulled from the tree, neatly wrapped in tissue paper and placed in their green bins—the ones with the individual dividers. Stockings, candles, poinsettias, wreaths and crystal garland moved from walls, tables, banisters and chandeliers into large cardboard boxes marked “Christmas.” And finally, the artificial tree was dismantled and placed into its seven-foot storage container.

Glancing around the sun room, now void of the tree and the large Santa decoration adorning the table, it suddenly felt voluminous, like the inside of a cathedral. I felt liberated, my breathing slowed, my shoulders dropped, my mind relaxed. My now minimalist surroundings were a welcome respite from the excesses of the holidays.

It’s no wonder I get a little purge-happy this time of year. What begins innocently as removing the holiday decorations turns into a whole-home decluttering project.

“If I feel this good by simply cleaning up the sun room,” I tell myself, “imagine how good it’ll feel to go through my closet, and the kitchen, and, oh my God, the garage!”

Yes, it’s my favorite time of year. Time for a fresh start. Time to get organized.

The Affect of Clutter

Surrounding yourself with piles of paper, overflowing closets and desk drawers that won’t shut sends the message that your life is out of control. The disarray, seemingly too large to correct, leads to procrastination and ultimately, more chaos. It’s a vicious cycle that contributes to chronic stress.

Chronic stress is serious business. It’s been linked to heart disease, digestive problems, headaches, back pain, osteoporosis and psychological disorders.

To combat stress and regain control of your home, get organized.

Tips for Decluttering

1) Start small

It’s too daunting a task to declutter an entire house in one session. Even professional organizers like those on the TV show Clean Sweep need a crew of six and several days to pull that off.

Don’t set yourself up for failure, pick something small.

I like to start in a place where the disorder really bugs me. This year it was the kitchen pantry. Maybe for you it’s the junk drawer in the kitchen. Or the linen closet upstairs. Or the coat closet in the foyer.

Wherever it is, by selecting and completing a small project, you’ll build momentum.

2) Use the clean slate approach

Clear out the drawer, closet, or pantry completely and start with a clean slate. Only items considered useful or appropriate to the space are allowed back in.

Believe me, after taking the time to empty the space the last thing you’ll want to do is move everything back in there.

3) Use the “three piles” method

Put items into either a “Keep”, “Donate” or “Trash” pile.

My rule of thumb—if you don’t love it, let it go.

For years I kept knick-knacks I didn’t like because Aunt So-and-So or Uncle Blah-d-Blah gave them to me. I didn’t want to offend them by not displaying their gift in my home.

It was difficult but one year, I just let those things go. Those items were purchased with love and the givers thought I would like them, but tastes vary and inevitably your style changes. Let those items go.

You’ll discover that by getting rid of the things you don’t love allows you to showcase the items you do.

4) Get rid of stuff immediately

Don’t store your “Donate” or “Trash” bags in the garage. Put the “Donate” bags in your car to remind yourself to drop them off and toss out the “Trash.”

5) Stand back and admire your handiwork

After finishing my first decluttering project of the year, my kitchen pantry, I dragged my husband Michael over to bask in the glory of my organizational skills. My face beamed with pride and excitement. You’d think I just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Although I did not contribute to world peace, throwing away expired cans of black beans, half-used portions of Raman noodles, and three-year old pearl barley gave me some much needed personal peace.

For more information and tips check out these websites:

Zen Habits

HGTV's Organization Tips 

Thanksgiving is a time for family—Oh, great

The ice clinks against the glass as Uncle Ralph swirls his scotch. His red eyes and slurred speech inform you that the annual, “When I was in Saigon” monologue is moments away. Cousin Suzy, a born-again Christian, is on the sofa chastising poor Aunt Edna for not attending church regularly. Great-grandma can’t stop discussing her latest health issue, down to the gory details of her colostomy bag. Yippy, it’s Thanksgiving, a time for family.

While diet and exercise get the bulk of media attention around living a healthy life, stress reduction is another important topic that deserves attention as stress contributes to a host of physical problems and chronic diseases.

As we begin the holiday season, stress levels begin to escalate. And while time with family can be a wonderful thing, it doesn’t always work out that way.

Michael and I have been married for almost 15 years. While we have good relationships with both sides of the family, that doesn’t mean holidays have always been drama-free.

The following are our life lessons on how to enjoy a stress-free holiday.

Lower your expectations.

Every family is dysfunctional. The way the dysfunction manifests itself is unique to each family, but it’s there. Even The Brady Bunch was only perfect on camera. Behind the scenes Mrs. Brady was having an affair with Greg, Mr. Brady was hiding his homosexuality, and Marcia had a drug habit. Perfection doesn’t exist and expecting it from your family is unrealistic.

Expect Uncle Ralph’s stories of Vietnam, Cousin Suzy’s zest for all-things religious and conversations with great-grandma about her health, and have a plan for dealing with those situations. Accept the realities of your family—quirks and all—because no matter how hard you try, you cannot change your relatives. Acceptance is a beautiful thing.

Don’t be a part of the problem.

Another way to say this: keep your pie-hole shut. This tactic is easy for me, I come from a long line of conflict-avoiders. In most cases, burying your feelings is not productive, but the Thanksgiving table isn’t the setting to discuss personal disagreements with your mom, sister, uncle, or grandmother. And if they think it is, change the subject. Do not engage. Excuse yourself from the table if you have to, but bite your tongue, shove some turkey in your mouth and don’t take the bait. You can always spit on their food later. Or, if you’re more mature than me, engage in a healthy discussion of your differences in a more appropriate setting.

Create some opportunities for alone-time.

Go for a walk, read a book, go see the latest blockbuster at the theatre, get some Christmas shopping done. Whatever your pleasure, schedule some time apart. There’s no rule that says every moment must be shared with family. Everyone benefits from a little breathing room. 

Plan and communicate your schedule ahead of time.

Sometimes it’s not the drama that’s stressful, it’s logistics. Many families have step-children, ex-husbands and ex-wives and coordinating the activities between all the various relatives feels like a scheduling problem only NASA could solve.

Don’t leave the plan for the day up in the air until the last minute. Get the schedule set ahead of time, including when you need to leave, and let everyone know in advance what to expect.

And if you are hosting the big meal, flexibility on timing will go a long way in easing the tension for those that are juggling multiple meals with several families. For example, the last several years, my family has celebrated Thanksgiving on Friday because it was more convenient for everyone involved.

  

Just say no.

If the entire production seems too daunting, bail completely. When Michael and I were first married and traveling full-time for our jobs, we told our families we wouldn’t join either of them for Thanksgiving. That was the one time of year we were taking for ourselves, a lovely four-day weekend to relax and reconnect.

With that I wish everyone a Happy, Stress-free Thanksgiving.

I won’t be posting any new blogs next week as I’ll be traveling with my family. In celebration of my mom’s 70^th birthday the entire clan is headed to the eastern Caribbean for a seven-day cruise. I’ve packed my workout clothes, gym shoes, and will power. I think I’m ready.