Shaken, Not Stirred

In addition to eating loads of fresh fruit, vegetables, and lean protein, I’m supposed to drink two Ultra Meal shakes a day. Ultra Meal is a nutritional supplement.

On the first day of the program, I dutifully opened my jar of chocolate flavored Ultra Meal powder, added the appropriate amount of water, and stirred it to prepare my shake.

Unfortunately, I used cool tap water and not chilled water as the directions indicated. It instantly curdled into the consistency of drinkable yogurt. Not knowing any better, I raised the glass to my mouth and took a gulp. My kids really enjoy drinkable yogurt, I however, immediately assumed the universal gag position---shoulders slumped forward, stomach clenched, tongue out, eyes closed. Ack!

After my spasms of dry heaving passed, I thought, dear God, I’m supposed to drink this crap twice a day? No way!

Not wanting to be a complete failure on my first day, I tried it again. This time not only did I gag, but I had to hang on to the kitchen counter to support myself through the spasms. I can’t do this, I thought. I tipped the glass over the sink and watched the gelatinous mass slither down the InSinkErator.

Undeterred, during my afternoon snack time, I decided to try it again. This time, however, I brought out the blender. I added a cup of ice, water, the Ultra Meal powder, and hit “frappé.”

So far so good, I thought, as I peered into the blender. At least it looked like water, not yogurt. I took a tentative sip. It was fine, and it even tasted like chocolate. Still scarred from my morning experience, however, and afraid that the slightest increase in temperature might curdle it, I slammed it down like a shot of tequila.

For my fellow In8 members, if you have a job that frowns on frappé noises in the office, I’d bring a martini shaker to work. That stuff needs to be cold, cold, COLD. And why not bring a martini glass too. You can redefine the two-martini lunch.

Finally, don’t forget to channel your inner frat boy or sorority girl. You need to down that stuff like it’s dollar draft night at the pub.